DisappeARINGSELF

the Zen of Shin

My mornings often go like this.
*
I see this old fat man in the mirror and know that smiling glassy face is just this passing moment, the last of many. So many faces have looked back at me. The bloodied face of a youth learning to shave; the face my wife married. Now, they are gone and no matter how hard I look, I just see this face. However impermanent, this face, this sense of self, has been my closest companion, this self I talk to when no one else will listen, this well into which I drop stones of wisdom. How critical this self has become, so unwilling to hear reasons, to listen to my excuses. It hides from me what little it knows and mocks my passing certainty. Worse, it tells me there is no one there. It tells me there is no self, no good, no evil, only this illusionary sense of being. How difficult to live in this moment? Existence is impermanent and I am grasped by it, the irony of it. This now, this fleeting now, conceived in memory, born in reflection, colored by this foolish, this limited, imperfect changing self is all I can ever know.

Which reminds me, I should take the dog for a walk.

I try to spend a few moments each day looking at myself in the mirror. I find the experience somewhat disorienting, indeed, disconcerting, which can be a good thing. For a moment, I think about losing weight. I should do that. The dog needs a walk and I could use the exercise. Thinking about exercise makes me philosophic. Wanting is suffering.

My experience has been that I create reality. I know I give it color. I lean toward casting off rather than attaching, but I doubt if my grasp of reality has greatly improved. In my rush to create reality, I often become drawn to the meaningless, confused by the unimportant. I know I want, and color my wanting with reasons, that's Bonno. The Buddha talked about that a good deal - suffering - not so much about Bonno, being unfamiliar with Japanese.

About wanting: while hatred is wanting to do harm, perhaps more destructive is love. If you love that which does not suit you, that which does not fit you, dear me, what a mess that can be. Few people question why they love and fewer still question why they hate. Half of all marriages fail and yet we don't think we are foolish, limited or ever so slightly imperfect. Each says the fault is in the other. Go figure.

Then there is war. Call it wholesale wanting. Wanting gone badly awry, call it stampeding stupidity, call us lemmings. War remains difficult to understand, harder to explain. Our history is filled with wars, all history is filled with war, peace is the exception. Each war was started by someone who thought they had a good reason. War is the prostitution of reason. And people protest, saying they are not fools, giving no thought to being limited or imperfect. Bonno is called blind passion because it is easier to see in others than in ourselves. It is why we are foolish. It is a good argument for humility.

Speaking of suffering, I should take the dog for a walk. The yard has grown to familiar to him. He's smelled it all before.

First, let me say that a hundred and eight blind passions is an arbitrary number, it is all one, delusion. My bonno is in the present. The past is a memory, the future a matter of conjecture, both are constructs based upon compounded delusion, neither can be trusted. Come New Year's Eve, I ring the bell and think of my foolish, limited, imperfect self. I have no need to keep count, I could never ring it enoug.

We are all blinded by our passions, our Bonno. Bonno or blind passion is off the leash wanting, wanting without knowing who or what we are. All dogs know this. It is why awareness is so elusive, and why the world is full of fools. It begins with wanting, wanting something more, something different, something other than what we have. It doesn't matter what. We want and we have our reasons for wanting. Wanting changes reality, our reality. It makes us fools because we are limited in what we can do, imperfect in how we do it. We all want. What make us foolish is what we want, how badly we want it, how poorly we fit what we want. The key to it all is knowing who we are, what we are. Few of us do. Perhaps none of us do. So we wind up doing less than we could or more that we shouldn't. This is dukkha; the bumpity bump of the out of round wheel.

He stands by the door and gives his tags a shake, looks over at me and shuffles he feet. I know I should take him for a walk. I have no where to go, nothing to do, not when he needs to go. In a minute. He isn't chewing on the door knob yet.

I was a psych major in college, a social psych major, born of the premise that society drives you nuts, which may explain my interest in Buddhism. For a number of years I looked at the various kinds of Buddhism like I was picking out a puppy, looking for one that would wag its tail. I finally picked Jodo Shin Shu because it was the least demanding. Nomo Amida Butsu. How many years of study doesw that take? I was to learn that Buddhism can be pretty demanding, much like Zen haikus. My Buddhism will always be colored in Zen tones.

It took me awhile, but after having given the matter considerable thought - between naps - I have concluded that there is only one form of Buddhism; your kind, my kind, whatever kind that works for you. When all is said and done you have to make your own kind of Buddhism. Which is a lot of work. People talk about following a school of Buddhism. Schools, like where you go to learn stuff. Schools of Buddhism? Well maybe, if they had basketball teams, but no, no thank you very much. The differences in Buddhism are superficial, disappearing as you get it, if you get it. If you don't get it, studying the differences won't get it for you.

I have long held that in Buddhism there is nothing to teach and only fools to teach it, but then we are all fools, so there you go. So what is "it"? "It" is what's behind the shinjin smile. People are born, do the best they can, and then die. It has always been that way. Nothing to do, no where to go, nothing to hang on to. That's the box we all have to work inside of. Of course, we are all fools, none of us has anymore concept of awareness than we do of string theory, less actually. There is what, eleven dimensions in string theory, more? No problem. How very Zen? Of course we are all fools. Still, I see no reason to institutionalize it; foolishness must be free to express itself or there would be no point to it.

There is a cure. It is called Sinjin. Shinjin: anyone who can truly grasp that their understanding is limited, foolish, and imperfect has all the awareness anyone will every attain in this life. That is Shinjin. It isn't about optimism or pessimism, it is reality. It is about playing golf in a cow pasture among the cows and bulls and cow pies. It certainly isn't about knowledge. Knowledge alone does not bring understanding. Awareness is a quantum leap beyond collecting facts and data. It's about being limited, imperfect, and this blind passion thing that makes us foolish.

Chanting. I don't think it cures anything, but it helps. Chanting: Lose yourself in the sound when you chant. Chanting is meditation. When you chant, just chant. Chant like you were a drop of water in a great stream of sound. Women tend to chant from the throat, Men chant from the belly, though some chant through their nose. I don't know why. Chanting is about the experience of chanting, that is what it means.

And then there is all the confusion about Nomo Amida Butsu. Nomo Amida Butsu is what it is and means what it means. Don't worry about it. Let it find you.

Buddhism is, to whatever degree you are prepared to accept it, concerned with the perception of experienced reality. Given that each of us is limited, imperfect and foolish, it could hardly be about developing the intellect. This is the Zen of Shin.

The dog knows who he is. He sits by the door and watches me, waiting.

Indeed, Buddhism is not about finding answers, which is all the answer there is in Buddhism. The question is, how does desiring that your life be different make your life more difficult? It is what it is, isn't it?. You would think so, but what goes on inside confuses your perception of whats going on outside. Knowing this is going on allows for better choices, although I doubt desire can ever be overcome. We are talking means here, not an end, Buddhism is not an answer. Any answer can be found, or created, and then what? Where would you put it? How long would you keep it before it began to bore you or smell bad? All answers are too limited to be of any use. If you can't give them up cold turkey, cut back to two or three a day.

Anyway, I should take the dog for a walk, and along the way, try to take refuge in the Buddha. Namo Amida Butsu

Were I Perfect by Ed Parker

Were I Perfect. A Dharma talk given 11/26/2006

As Christians are preoccupied with sin, Buddhists are concerned with delusion, or should be. Now, by delusion I mean our expectations, opinions, assumptions, wants, that sort of thing. In short, it is our grasp of reality, or what we consider reality. Bear in mind that being deluded isn’t about being wrong - or right for that matter. It is about how we experience life.

Ah, the power of delusion, take weddings, for example. I can think of no greater concentration of delusion than weddings. Weddings are awash in delusion, hopes and expectations bubbling out everywhere. It is that fleeting moment when hope and dreams triumph over experience, briefly.

Everyone has a pretty good idea about what to expect at a wedding, everyone has an opinion about weddings. Weddings are all about expectations and opinions, from the appropriateness of the whole affair to the flavor of the cake, the bride's dress, the dazed look of the groom. Most grooms look a little stupid, feeling out of control. Weddings are all about hopes, dreams, wishes; the future.

Anyone even dimly aware would never get married, could never get married. How could we know reality, and still get married. People like us get married, foolish people, limited, imperfect people chock full of blind passion. Marriage makes life fun, painful, but fun.

My wife drags me to weddings. Wives love weddings. They know that however deluded the participants are, weddings make people happy. Wives tend to be optimists, forgetting that half of these marriages end badly. Still, people like to get married, if some of us don't exactly like weddings, we like being in love. Truthfully, most people are optimists. Most people want to get married to someone, some special person. It’s a delusion I can live with.

Delusions themselves have nothing to do with right, wrong, good or bad, they are like colored light, smoke, and mirrors. Each of us colors our lives with delusions, with attitude. Maybe its only to make our lives more interesting, or pass the time more quickly, I don't know. Maybe, we’re all drama queens at heart?

The problem is in our expectations, our opinions. For example: Once, the wife and I, her sisters, mother, and various brothers-in- laws were sitting in the bleachers waiting for this wedding to start. The preacher was getting everyone situated, everyone was looking a bit awkward, nervous, pretty much as you would expect. He gets everyone set and in this pleasant lull suddenly breaks into, “Oh, what a beautiful morning.” Or something like that, some show tune. The bride stiffens, the groom rolls his eyes, my wife is biting her hand trying not to laugh and failing, slowly choking to death. A hush falls on the crowd, a silence reminiscent of a budding heart attack. No one had been expecting this musical interlude, finding it odd, painful and far to long.

I’m sure he meant well. I am sure he thought he could sing too, which may have provoked him to think he should - sing. Such is the nature of delusion. I think we gave the bride and groom one of the three crock pots we received at our wedding. A crock pot seems uniquely appropriate as a wedding gift, whimsical in its potential, yet practical, in the off chance it gets used, which is unlikely.

Ah, delusion. The world is perfectly there, yet I, being imperfect, perceive it imperfectly. It is the nature of our existence, of my existence. There is little question in my mind, but that I am a foolish, limited, imperfect person beset with blind passions. Were I not, would I behave so poorly? Yes, it is true. My wife keeps a list. I don't offer this in apology, or as an excuse, this realization is the result of a great deal of study and self reflection, representing, I hasten to add, remarkable personal progress, progress being, as it were, relative. Granted, it is not what I was hoping for, it’s certainly not what I wanted, it’s simply what I've found, though admittedly Shinran found it first. Shin Buddhism is all about coming to know delusion.

Ah, delusion, are we not all limited, foolish people. None of us are perfect though some of us we act as if we were, self-important people, full of themselves and not much else. I find such people tedious, though there is a good chance I'm one of them.

Despite the best planning, despite our best intentions, sometimes - things go awry. There are a number of reasons why this is so. There is the dependent origination the Buddha spoke of: All things change in relation to causes and conditions, nothing exists independently. This is especially true of our delusions, our blind passions, our Bonno. Where they come from I don’t know, though I suspect we create them, starting at birth.

It is said such blind desires are so named because they are easier to see in others than in our selves. It certainly seems so. As difficult as they are to see, blind passions are even more difficult to accept. Sadly, if we can not accept them, we must repeat them until we are thoroughly miserable, then we die. Such is my take on the wheel of life.

Once I thought I understood truth and built with it as if it were brick and stone, creating mansions of certainty. Now I ponder my delusions and watch my mansions crumble. I have lost faith in knowing any organic truth; truth that I have not tarnished with intent or denial. Truthfully, all I have learned, all that I know, has overcome me; casting me into a well of questions. How can I know anything of lasting meaning? All things change, most of all, answers. I pause, scratch and ponder, wondering how I could actually know anything with certainty? I know this water I drink is muddied from my standing in the stream. And yet, I continue to stand there, looking into the past, lacking the wit to turn around.

My foolishness hardly surprises me anymore – that which I recognize - I suspect much of it slips by me unnoticed. It comes as no surprise to me that I live in a state of delusion, having colored all that I have known with my opinions, stamping every perception with my presence. My saving grace is that now, sometimes, I can recognize my foolishness, with a little help from my wife and friends.

How can any of us know who we are until we know the nature of our delusions, our bonno? Which of us is perfect? Who among us has not sought truth only to settle for something more comfortable? Belief requires nothing of us. Belief makes us comfortable. How many of us deny the changing nature of reality because it is uncomfortable? All things change and yes, change is troubling. Buddhism changes, though not the truth of the Dharma.

Then there is the way delusion masks the nature of reality, hiding it in terms of duality. We label something good or bad, unaware that in doing so, we limit reality. Reality becomes this or that, a choice of one or another. In the process, we lose something very important, that openness of being that makes awareness possible. How can anyone say with certainty, who they really are, or what they are without excluding all else? To say, I am a good person is to deny or dismiss all that I am that does not fit what is considered "good." If I am not capable of being consistently “good” am I then, an evil person? Or am I simply a limited, foolish person quite incapable of consistently distinguishing one such artificial and arbitrary state of being from another?

We live in this passing moment, in an on going stream of acts, and what is done is done. What is said is said. What is broken must remain broken. There are no answers, only more questions. How can anyone know anything of importance until they know their own limits? Without true acceptance of who we are, we must push real understanding away. We all make mistakes, terrible mistakes, some of which cannot be undone. We are all, each of us, imperfect. I ask you, were we not, would we behave so poorly? Still, we fix what can be fixed, hoping that the mending is an improvement.

Each of us lives inside our delusions, our expectations, our opinions, our bonno. We act from our blind passions, from our foolish, limited, imperfect nature, and there, find reasons to explain it all away. It is difficult to accept our foolishness. It is difficult to accept our imperfect nature. Often, we fail; usually we fail; and in our failure, there is suffering and sorrow, for in failing to accept truth we must create delusion. Unexamined delusions fill our lives with sorrow, yet when questioned humbly, persistently, delusions fade to doubt, then to uncertainty, until finally they must vanish.

The light of Amida’s wisdom and compassion shines through each of us, revealing all that is hidden, all that is denied, if we dare to look. Doesn’t taking refuge in the Buddha mean accepting - as best we can -the entirety of our deluded self, our spiteful acts, our petty meanness, as well our acts of kindness and compassion? Are we not also that which we deny, our fears, our base desires, as well as our loftier aspirations? Do not our fears create our hatreds - as our cravings create our attachments? Such openness is frankly, uncomfortable, yet it is the only path from delusion. We banish our delusions by accepting them as delusions through the grace of Amida. We all have this power.

Sadly, in our foolishness, we strive for perfection, a state we can not possibly attain and thus we create our sorrow. There is no perfection in this life. We can only dream of perfection, to awake alone and empty. Perfection is an absolute, a model, a gauge by which we try to evaluate our lives. It's a goal we can not possibly attain. The perfect rose cannot exist. The ideal only represents our eternal dissatisfaction. Were an absolute to exist in reality, it would mean our surrender. It would mean accepting that we are all limited, foolish, imperfect people. It would mean accepting that only Amida is infinite, only Amida is perfect, but such is reality. Sadly, while the light of Amida Buddha’s wisdom and compassion makes self-examination possible, it remains painful and few choose it.

Humility sits coarse and uncomfortable on our western egos. We need to feel we are in control and we are not. It is hard to accept that we are simply limited, foolish, imperfect people living with our bonno in an uncertain world beset with sorrow and suffering. Living in delusion, how could we not know sorrow and suffering? And yet, we find it difficult to be grateful for the lessons sorrow and suffering teach us - to accept that what is – just is - and no more. Knowing the true nature of our limited, imperfect foolishness, how could we not take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha? Namu Amida Butsu. Thank you.

letter from Montana

This post is a bit upsidedown as it is an email.

I quite agree that Bombu cannot be “sterilized” by self-effort. Shinran was able to see through even the best efforts to the underlying motives and that, to me, is the key. So while banishing the unconscious movements of the primal-brain and its memes isn’t possible, I’d say that a certain disengagement is possible. Your “intuitive release through self examination” is what I’d see as central to the disengagement process. By disengagement I mean that the Bombu machinery still is running in the background, it just isn’t plugged into the usual logical next step of being blended with beliefs and then ultimately being acted out. Awareness of the hopelessness of our Bombu nature may be our only hope but it’s nothing that can be harnessed through the usual cause and effect strategies of ego, even the seemingly “higher” aspects of ego like wanting to purify the self and the world.

I think your meme-as-thought-bullet is a good analogy in that once fired, the bullet has its force and trajectory without concern for what happens next. (I recall a quote that estimated “Western civilization is the Bible’s way of making more Bibles”, religious texts being super-memes). East and West has certainly recognized the persuasiveness of thoughts, concepts, ideas, etc to the extent that “they” often appear to own us instead of the other way around. The divide is that one camp still believes in some separate well-intentioned self that can objectively sift through memes and eradicate the harmful ones, etc., while the other camp says that the self, itself, is a “memeplex” or collection and interaction of memes and the memes that will prevail for propagation into other brains will simply be guided by natural selection, the survival of the fittest. (Although memeticist Susan Blackmore thinks the idea of taming memes is naive at best, she defiantly subscribes to a certain intuitive release meaning just not engaging with them, which is very Buddhist of course, especially Dzogchen comes to mind).

It seems to me that only by belief in “supernatural” memes could someone justify terrorism and warfare as it’s painfully obvious that it just makes life miserable for all parties involved “down here” on Earth, right now. I don’t imagine we’ll see CNN, FOX or MSNBC pursuing a story like – “Does religious belief cause more harm than good”? anytime soon nor “Are we just robotic pawns in an evolutionary game of memes battling for survival in our brains”? What advertisers would sponsor such stories?
Marc

disappearingself@comcast.net wrote:
Bombu is the pitre dish of emotion that can not be sterilized by reason or good intentions or any other means which means that enlightenment can not be attained from this condition. This leaves neither disengagement nor banishment as options which is why I elected the path of the disappearingself or an intuitive release through self examination. The self being composed largely of memes, as I understand them, mutated by digestion and ingestion of all previous such infections. Interesting, unless I am entirely off the mark. I suspect authoritarian regimes relying more on fear than other schools of thought would be jet propelled by the crudest memes "the terrorists will get you" unless we use every tool at our disposal. We can not be bound by the niceites of fair play, law and the constitution when combating terrorists. Authoritarian regimes find their justification in fear and unrest, which may well be a memes, though a well reasoned one. Does that count? I grasp memes as something of a thought bullet, designed more for impact than examination. What do you think? Ed

-------------- Original message --------------
From: Marcus

Hi Ed,
Memetically, "we are as free as our information" becomes "we ARE our information". Freedom in a traditional sense wouldn't really apply in that information cannot step outside the boundaries of its own programming. There is the freedom-illusion of choosing this over that but the "this and that" are limited choices. This, to me, is the core of our bombu foolishness and living an awakened life would be a disengagement from (not banishment of) our info-programming.

Memes are basically units of cultural transmission that can be copied, imitated, etc. by brains and (this is the threatening part) they are every bit of a "replicator" as genes in that their sole motive is to be copied and find (some would say infect) other brains to inhabit. We then are vehicles for memes and genes; "they" find us useful, but are not concerned with our well-being per se; their evolutionary agenda is very narrow.

The current mid-east fiasco is fueled in part by memes like "stay the course" or "we can't just cut and run". Both of those memes have found their way into my brain but I don't "believe" them; they conflict with other stronger memes like "war is hell" and "violence just begets violence". Can I disengage enough to even be free from those "good" memes? If I think that's a good idea, then the "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" meme arises, and I'm cornered.

I can't help but think that simmering below the convoluted political and economic explanations for the war on terror is just plain old tribalism. Are we really that distant from club swinging monkeys making a preemptive strike to gain exclusive access to the waterhole? I suspect it always boils down to a search for elusive security which is absurd when held against the 2nd Noble Truth - that we really don't know what it is we're grasping at and it doesn't matter anyway because it's already changing (excuse my creative interpretation).

I had a question for you re Chapter 2 but I'll send it separately.
Marc

disappearingself@comcast.net wrote:
Good to hear from you. Memes. I haven't come across it before, haven't been looking, being preoccupied with my own thinking, to be kind. It seems to be in the same concept range as symbolic Interactionism, although I haven't really gotten into it. I will though. Thanks for the tip. Lately, I have been concerned with the idea that "we are only as free as our information." If no one has said it before they should have. Is that a Memes? Secrecy is a blight on our way of life, a silent killer, much like high blood pressure. Perhaps you could explain to me what a "War on Terror" is. How can it be won? Do we kill them all, if not who surrenders? I suspect it is a creature of Authoritarian thought to gather more power to the executive branch. Silly me. It does appear to be the rational to classify information that might refute it. I will do some more research on Memes, thanks& ;nbs p; Ed
-------------- Original message --------------
From: Marcus

Sorry to hear of your affliction, hope your "shell time" was therapeutic. I enjoyed chapter 1 and am looking forward to chapter 2. The chicken-bounding woodcarver is a great image!

I'm also wading into Symbolic Interactionism to see where it stands. Are you familiar with "memes"? Richard Dawkins coined the term in '76 in "The Selfish Gene". Susan Blackmore's "The Meme Machine" is a very astute and readable - she also seems familiar with Buddhism. Richard Brodie (the architect of Microsoft Word for Windows) is a bit more blunt about memes; his book is entitled "Virus of the Mind". There seems to be a split in the memetic world - those who say we have to struggle against the "tyranny" of the memes and those, like Blackmore, who don't recognize an egoic self separate from the "meme-plex" of ego that would make the heroic struggle possible, who suggest instead an open, bare awareness.

I'll check out the Letter to the Editor page
Thanks for writing...
Marc

disappearingself@comcast.net wrote:
Sorry to have taken so long to get back with you. I suffer from something, anyway when I have a flare up I just go into my shell. If you get a chance visit my blog. I just posted chapter two of Walking Trees companion. It was intended to be fun, it has grown a bit. I think it is now at about a 1000 pages, two books anyway if you have some suggestions for improving it short of out right deletion, run them by me. Also There is a new ltter to the editor under, what else, letter to the editor. Later. Ed

I think it is enough for now

I have reached a point in my study of Buddhism where I simply have no interest in discussing it further. When I feel differently I will go where the feeling takes me. Instead I will be adding more stories as the urget moves me, humor whenever possible. My point in writing about Buddhism was to explore my own thoughts. I have done that. I think everyone has to work through the teachings of the Buddha on their own. The teachers can offer their thoughts, but the student must study, question who, what, they are. Nobody knows more than their own piece of the puzzle.

The Buddha never left

This is a lay Dharma talk I gave Sunday, March 9th 2006

Someone, actually it was several people I am afraid, told me a few days ago that the Buddha had returned. I said the Buddha never left. We are all Buddhas, if we could just get past our illusions. They didn't get it. Or maybe, I didn't get it. Perhaps I should have said, "Only in Tibet."

I have found the study of Buddhism is a process that begins with the question, "What am I." and ends with closed mouth and open eyes. The process has no teachers, no students, nothing to teach, nothing to learn, by this I mean there is no answer, only the question, "What am I?" I am sure strength of intellect will not bring awareness. It's a process I am confident I will never finish.

It has been a long journey to this realization, and I suppose if you haven't taken the same path, you might not understand, but maybe it will be close enough. While the journey is not over, my curiosity has faded concerning its destination. My driving wheel has gotten a bit rusted. Still, I go where the question takes me, when it takes me.

One realization, of which I have little remaining doubt, is that we are all fools, fools filled with blind passion. It is important to realize this. I call this realization, Shinjin. Others may disagree; it doesn't matter, close enough for a hakujin anyway.

Our foolishness differs in kind and degree, but there is no doubt we are all fools. I know some don't like being called a fool, sorry. Strangely, some seem to be unaware of this attribute in themselves, while finding it quite obvious in others. One could ask, what point is there in one fool calling another fool, a fool. Well, sympathy, perhaps encouragement, come to mind. The truth is that we are all fools subject to the blind passions of ignorance, ego needs, anger, greed, attachment and so forth. Still, we need to keep an eye on our foolishness.

That we are all fools brings a new understanding to the meaning of compassion. Compassion becomes something like, "accepting the foolishness of others as you 'should' accept your own foolishness, with quiet humor and patient tolerance." We all live in illusion; it differs merely in depth and kind, everyone being their own kind of crazy. And yes, we are all constantly changing, there being an infinite number of ways in which we can be foolish.

Consider, if you will, enlightenment as a state of being, as reality beyond our opinion of it, beyond our limitations of dualistic thinking. How could you think of it, much less speak of it? What words could be used. Words by definition are symbols representing something else. How could anyone, living in this world of illusion, understand non illusion? Something you might ask the Buddha.

I have no idea what a steady diet of reality would be like, or for that matter, if I would like it. I think I touch upon it from time to time, skipping in and out of reality like a flat rock thrown by a child across a pond. We all do, I think. I know reality is there, because I bump my head against it from time to time, but bumping my head against it just hurts my head, it doesn't tell me much about reality.

Still from time to time I get past the pain, past my pretensions, my opinions, my need to color the objective world with my desire, with my subjectivity. It doesn’t last long. I call this reality Amida. The goal of my disappearing self is to emerge from my foolishness to the consciousness of Amida. Sadly, Amida doesn't emerge from my foolishness very often. I take Amida very seriously.

Awareness has its own direction, its own utility, and I am sure, its own explanation. The analogy of a child skipping a flat stone across a pond as the progress of life toward enlightenment is apt, I think. As the stone loses force, its skips become more frequent until it disappears into the water. Plop. And then again, some stones make it to the other side. OK, I don't know what that means. I earnestly hope it doesn't matter.

I am not saying that people should not study Buddhism. Read the books, listen to the wise ones, meditate, if you wish, just don't expect the study of Buddhism to take you anywhere. We talk about Buddhism because we are not Buddhas.

The true teachings of the Buddha are all around us, should we open our eyes. The world is filled with examples: old people, old dogs, small children, those who forget; those who forgive, those who find excitement in the wonder of life.

No, I am not saying that people should not study Buddhism. I am saying, learn from the Buddha's example. Learn as the Buddha learned, from life. Look around. Think about what you do. Think about what you do from the point of view of someone who disagrees with you. Think about yourself as though that person, that ignorant, foolish person might be right. Think about your disagreement as if there were no right or wrong, nothing to prove, nothing to achieve. It is all point of view, there is no unchanging right or wrong. It is true that some points of view are more destructive, others more beneficial, but who is sure they can tell one from the other.

"What are you being?" In this passing moment, "What are you being?" That question is the very core of Buddhism, as I understand it. Ask that question of your impermanent self. Listen to the answer, then ask it again. Challenge your illusions, your opinions, question your answers.

Buddhism is not about what you know, it is what you do. So go to your discussion groups, study the teachings of the Buddha, discuss what you have learned, but when you have finished your snack, wash the cups, the bowls, the small plates. Give some thought to the wisdom that comes from sweeping the floor. Thank you for allowing me to share these thoughts.

*****

Some people have asked why we are fools. Because we are filled with blind passion, Bombu. Because few of us can tell the difference between reality and our opinion of reality. Because we think we know something important and of lasting value. Maybe, because we think we are not foolish.

questioning the self

To those Shin Buddhists looking for an example of Shin gone wrong in America, I offer myself as Exhibit A, please do not hesitate to use me.  We are all limited, foolish people.  I, am no different, indeed I typify the breed.  American Buddhism, American Shin Buddhism is the practice of questioning the self. Given that there is no permanent self, questioning it can only be a full time job.  It is a simple concept, yet this simple understanding is so intensely personal I find it difficult to speak of it.  Well alright, I am not optimistic about how it will be received.  Some of it is symbolic in nature, some intuitive, words being limited and grasping a perspective intuitively doesn’t translate well.  The point I am trying to make is that I have found a starting point in that I have come to understand something of what the Buddha taught.

  The self is an illusion, it does not exist.  What does exist is our personal myth of whom we are, what we are.  Actually each of us carries around a host of myths, read Joseph Campbell.  We spend our lives creating, denying, supporting, the myths about whom we think we are, who we’re afraid we are.  For example: I am a father, a brother, a husband, a good person, a bad person, trustworthy, not trust worthy, brave, fearful, quick, slow, all of these, none of these.  I have found that by the time I have decided which one I am, I have become something else and I am off.  I am lost in definitions, in contradictions and changing circumstances.  This self, the you know that guy…, is a story told by everyone, myself, my wife, my friends, my family, others, indeed some, most perhaps, who have never met me.  It is certainly not the same story. To many I am only a voice, an image, a car passing in the street, a number, each is an aspect of me and the source of an impression, a story.   I am assaulted by flowery compliments and stones of criticism and for worse or not, simply ignored for either of these or lesser reasons.  Amidst this barrage of rocks and roses, I live my life, grasping at roses to ward off the cutting, bruising stones. I am a bad Buddhist, entirely human and therefore most certainly a fool, likely a liar as well, though this requires proof that I ever had the least glimmer as to the nature of truth, my one great unassailable defense to that allegation.

I confess it took me a while to figure out that rewards and punishments live only through the telling, and the telling changes through time, experience and the teller.  We are all liars. That may sound a bit harsh; perhaps it is, after all, there is usually no intent to deceive.  Yes, perhaps liar is not the word I want. Sadly we lack the capacity to be real and meaningful liars. The point I want to make is that we live in a state of complete ignorance about who or what we truly are. So how can we know with any certainty, why we do anything, or that what we do will result in something favorable to our condition or useful.  This concept grows more striking when applied to politics.  Consider our invasion of Iraq, no one now seems to know why we went there, our goals seem to change in mid explanation. Politics seems to amplify this human condition of slippery confusion. We should keep a wary eye on our good intentions.  Good is a highly malleable concept, perhaps more so than bad, though we give them both a terrible hammering to make them fit and support our position. 

The disappearing self requires us to question this behavior, to question everything, most all good and bad accepting them as no more than opinions, but then opinions are the main source of all our illusions.  To question, not to the point of finding an answer, that would be creating another story, simply to the point of understanding intuitively what you have found, accepting it and letting it go.  There is an eternity between questioning and acceptance, though only delusion separates the two.

If there is one thing I have found it is that we are all limited, foolish people.  When the self disappears all that is left is Amida.  Amida is not outside or apart, Amida is the self which has disappeared.  This last comes from experience, however short lived, and is therefore not a belief; it is the reality of experience.

I am Buddhist, but Buddhism is only a name.  Too many speak to the name, forgetting that it has nothing to say.  It is our behavior that defines this image of who we are: we are what we do.  To become aware means diving down the rabbit hole of rationale, stepping out of our certainties, looking deep into our mirror of reasons and answers that we offer for our behavior.  This is what it means to answer Amida’s call. 

The Dharma of the question

The Dharma of the question, what am I?

I disappoint those who wonder why, why can’t I just be nicer, kinder, more compassionate, in short, a better person.  It is difficult being me.  I offer that neither in apology nor as an excuse.  It is difficult being me, it is difficult being you, it's difficult for any of us being limited, finite human beings.  Suppose, just for a moment, that nicer just meant: why bring it up, why not just get along, most things really don’t matter, maybe nothing matters.  And kinder, who knows what kinder means? Compassionate, if you don’t know who you are, how can you be compassionate, or kinder, or even nice?  When do you pull the screaming child from the fire?  When should you turn away and let what was started, finish.  At what point do you stop being kind, stop being compassionate?  When does your arrogance, your selfish need to save, become more important than the pain felt by your beneficiary.

I live by different questions, questions to which I have no answer.    How can we rely so heavily upon being right? Being right means only that those who disagree are wrong.  It means you have been seduced by this or that thinking.

I believe the Buddha taught just one thing, awareness.  I have nothing to add to that.  No one does, to my knowledge.  When I became convinced of this one fact, I realized each person must find their own way.  We go to Temple , not to worship; there is nothing to worship, but to reaffirm our sense of community.  It is good to feel the comfort of the Sangha, to meet old friends, new friends.  I can not explain the Buddha’s teachings, not as the Buddha intended, no one can, to my knowledge.  The Buddha’s teachings must be experienced, like washing your face in a cold mountain stream. What can anyone tell you abut it? What can you say?  Point to the moon, they talk about your finger. 

There is enough confusion without me. I offer only the question.  My life, my faith is the question.  I have no answers.  Having no answers, I take refuge in the Buddha.

Awareness.  Let me explain, bearing in mind that what I say is simply a point, neither here nor there.  The purpose of Buddhism is to become aware, no more, no less.  When the self is known for what it is, it disappears.  The self is a story we tell the world about who we think we are.  When you know the story, know why it is told, it ceases to have importance, there is nothing for it to do.  People say they are their own worst enemy.  This is the self to which I refer.  That which we fear, that which we hate, that which separates our good from bad, our blind passions, our virtues, this is the self to which I refer.  Is this a permanent self?  At times I want to cry.  All self awareness distorts reality.  The self is our perception, our point of view, our opinion.  It is the mechanism we use to assign value and to define what is of worth.

A human being is a part of the whole, called by us the 'Universe', a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separate from the rest - a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.

Albert Einstein, New York Post, 28 November 1972

Each of us views life a little differently.  None of us are wrong.  So, if we all see life differently and no one is wrong, the variable must be within us.  This variable is the self that each of us creates as we interact with others, with life.  The image of self: who we think we are.  How we see this image of who we are determines what we do, how we do it.  Knowing that this image is not real is the first step to awareness.  This is when we begin to question, “What am I?”

While I don’t have much use for answers, seeing a certain foolishness there, I think finding limitations we never suspected helps us continue to question, to have a sense of humor.  Anyway this process should not be dismissed lightly. Awareness is examining this illusion we have created and having seen our own foolishness, let it go.  Letting go gets easier as we get older.  This is what I call the Disappearingself.  Making the self disappear is the focus of the four noble truths, the eight fold path and the teaching of Honan and Shinran.  You can not become aware until you know what you are, accepted your foolishness, your limitations, and let them go.  Amida lives in each of us should we accept that then we nust realize there was never any separation. 

The middle way of nonduality

The Middle way of non duality (thinking of this and that)

This and that thinking is the mental process of creating distinctions, ideally it should be avoided.  This is one of the Buddha's teachings.  It is another way of considering the expression: Middle Way.  Not this, not that, but that which is not based upon your opinion of this as opposed or compared to that.  Enlightenment is, to become awake, to become aware, to see what is there, to experience reality, no more, no less.  Something to think about, to meditate upon, should you be so inclined.

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Buddhism is beyond relativism.  I think relativism is a word.  Everything is not relative.  Reality is quite independent of our point of view.  What a concept, reality actually being independent of our point of view.  We have labeled everything good and bad, better and worse.  Our labels do not change whatever it is they label, they change how we  feel or associate with that which exists in our opinion of its distinctions.  Consider the small round rock, it's size and shape may lend it many uses, but it remains a small round rock, however pretty or useful it may seem.  Existence is more than our opinion of it, though most of us find this hard to accept.  I think few of us can get completely away from comparing one thing to another, seeing one thing as better than something else, still I find peace in quieting my opinions.  I have too many opinions, too much pride in my intelligence.  It is hard to let go of the illusion of logic and reason. 

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How to be intuitively mindful in a world of this or that?  How can we experience this reality, this reality born of choices, of this or that, this more than that, or less, without impinging upon it?  How difficult to think that each is as it should be, no more, no less.  The distinctness of attributes is a difficult illusion to overcome.  How clearly each is separated from all all else? This is the greatest illusion, the well from which all other illusions spring.  You may not think so.  You may have another opinion.  Exactly.  How do you know?  What are you?  The beginning of self stems from a sense of uniqueness; this is me, this is not me.  It helps us establish a sense of control, that we are in control is the fountainhead of all illusion.  Life is an organic entity of which we are part.  Separating ourselves from our environment allows us to manipulate it, within certain limits.  Fire, for example, can change paper to ashes.  It does not distroy the paper it changes the attributes of paper to heat and carbon (keeping this simple).  We can not destroy, we can only change the distinctions of something.   We find ourselves mourning the passing of those distinctions with which we are familiar.  When the Buddha died, they burned his body.  When the fire had cooled they picked through the ashes for bits of this and that, that they thought were once the Buddha.  Some of these they built temples around (Stukas ?).  They did this because they never got what the Buddha taught.  Attachment is a love affair with illusion.  Attachment is not useful, though a very human thing to do.  You have to mentally step back from that bit of charred bone to see it.

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The world just is, yet, we all want it to be something different, something more like what we want it to be.  It is too much to ask of one reality.  Most of us don't know what we want, maybe none of us do.  Still, we know what we think we should have.  There are many levels of wanting; all are an illusion, each illusion keeps us from just experiencing life.  The self is a great tyrant, full of shoulds, full of answers, social demands, financial demands; so many obligations. Truth, truth stands like a matador facing the twin horns of certainty, should and must.  Poor naked truth, where is thy cloak, thy sword?  Hold fast to the side, keep close, step lightly before the charging horns of desire.  Your certainty is illusion, born of countless trampled truths.  There is no killing the beast, and the pageantry is all distraction.

We are creatures of strong opinions, so very sure of what we know, too sure. In our charity we give food, give shelter, never stinting on our advise and answers.  Perhaps  compassion could better be understood as simply accepting another's illusion as being as valid as our own.  It is so difficult to accept another’ truth when we are so sure we know the real truth. 

Buddhism is about rising above opinions, above truth. It is reality.  What can be said of reality?  Where does our description of reality stop and our opinion of it begin?  The truth of the smell of a fresh cut orange, of cold water to the thirsty, everyone has their truth.  From reality we watch them experience truth, the way children experience toy boats, pushed by the wind, pulled by the current.  Truth wears out, becomes broken, cast aside or simply lost.  All sutras should be burned and their ashes scattered to the winds.  Let each seeker experience reality afresh.

The question is all that guides me.  What am I?  Perhaps it is spiritual evolution, perhaps not.  It feels odd to find the question beyond an answer, odd, but comforting.  Can there be a question independent of an answer?  The question transforms reality, like water transforms seed.  Answers by their nature defy change and seek immortality.  What do I really know?  How do I know?  What am I? These questions bring reality to truth.  There are no answers to these questions, and if by chance you should find one, kill it with laughter.  I will work on this as I find time.  It makes me giggle.

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I have some friends who think Buddhism is about not doing this or that, not eating chickens, or eggs or goats or sheep.  As long as our rules are outside of us, how can we not be in a this or that mind?  Still, what they say has caused me to pay more for my eggs and chickens.  Awareness is seldom what we had in mind.  Ah, but then, it is the question, not the answer that exposes the self.  To believe, to not believe, is not Buddhism.  Buddhism is the direct experience of reality.  It does not require belief or non belief.  What does a comfortable pair of shoes have to do with belief?  These shoes fit my feet.  My feet know and I listen when they talk to me.  Where is heaven?  It is in comfortable shoes.

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We make Buddhism more complicated than it is.  The most powerful teaching of the Buddha is that to him, it was all so obvious.  The difficult part was getting us to see it.  It is hard because we don't want to see it.  We want to cogitate and debate.  We are all foolish, limited people whose's blind passions distract us from becoming aware.  Shinran saw this clearly.  We say namo amida butsu and this too, is a distraction.  We are all Amida, once the illusion of self has disappeared.  So simple, so difficult, but once we see it, it is obvious.

What did the Buddha mean?

People say the Buddha said this or that, then quote something or recite something to support it. They misunderstand. They should ask what did the Buddha mean? Perhaps that is not good enough? The Buddha’s truth is constant, but our ability to hear it depends upon how quietly we are able to listen. Perhaps, it is the chatter of our own opinions that keeps us from hearing. I think so. If we are insisting on hearing this or that, we will not be able to hear his message. We are the variable in this equation. Perhaps, all he said was, “Wake up. Open your eyes. See reality.” Just this one thing, wake up. The Buddha’s words have been recited word for word by millions upon millions. Each word has been argued over ten thousand times until even the arguments have been chiseled in stone. I suppose this is because people feel that only his exact words will bring enlightenment. This is how far we have drifted from what he intended. How do you convey the reality of enlightenment to someone who is lost in illusion? How can someone lost in illusion grasp reality? The words of the Buddha are at best clues, starting points. What did he mean? We could collect duck feathers forever and not have a duck. Silliness is just who we are, what we are. We live our lives as though in a dream. It is this dream from which we must wake. Our dream is full of delusion, full of blind passion. These blind passions keep us busy struggling with issues and problems of seemingly great importance, of great mystery. There is no great secret, no mystery. To awake, we must question what we do, not as one would question a problem to be solved, but to recognize the source of the conflict and accept responsibility for creating it. That is what the Buddha meant. That is what Shinran meant. Of course, I could be wrong, misguided and confused. It would hardly surprise me. Still, knowing this is true, if it is true, does not resolve the issue. Knowing is of little use until you experience being out of control and realize that is reality. We are pushed and pulled by who we think we are or should be. How difficult, to accept being out of control, to experience a sense of compassion for your own foolishness and in that manner accept responsibility for dreaming your life away. We enjoy our dreams, we enjoy our fears, our frustrations from that which is denied us. Another name for this dreaming state is: Wanting, or the frustration of wanting. The dream is that there is something to be won or lost, that life is a game with winners and losers. We want and wanting becaomes our sense of direction. Greed and fear rules our lives. Always wanting more and the fear of losing it, even before we get it. We want more than we could ever have and this creates tension. Tension creates everything except love and peace, and of course, awareness. Funny how that works. I guess the point is that we can not control reality by trying to change it, we must first find out why we feel we need to change reality and not ourselves. We exist in a constant state of changing illusion. One determined by how we feel about it. A flower is simply a flower, its beauty was never intended for us. When the Buddha held up the flower only one person saw the butterfly there. The secret to the reality of the Buddha is that once you get it, it is obvious. The Buddha had no secrets, no hidden teachings, neither did Shinran. If you can let go of your certainty, it is all there. I did not discover this bit of wisdom from any great sense of intellect, nor did the Buddha. I stumbled upon it through the failure of my intellect to find a logical and rational understanding of existence. I suppose the Buddha did the same although he did not have the benefit of twenty-five hundred years of documented historical hindsight. If there is one thing history has taught us is that people, in general, are a little crazy. So one day the Buddha saw this great truth and laughed. Many people have had this experience, maybe everyone has had this experience, the hard part is keeping it. Those blind passions, those delusions, that sense of wanting, needing, of being denied, keeps coming back. I have slowly come to realize that there is a great deal of truth in Shin Buddhism, but it is lost in a sea of nonsense. The Buddhist Church of America perpetuates more myth than truth and should be politely ignored. They have a strong vested interest in keeping Shin Buddhism a social club. It is lost in delusion. Still, it is a beginning. Every few hundred years every Buddhist organization should be asked to examine its self. What purpose does this ritual serve? How does this or that encourage enlightenment? How will this practice make me aware? Our religious leaders should be leaders, not masters of dogma and quality control. What did the Buddha mean? Perhaps, it really is as simple as the three treasures? The role model of the Buddha, the intuitive compass of the darmha, the sounding board of the sangha. And the question,"What am I?"

belief

Belief

Buddhism is about not believing.  It is about experiencing reality directly, immediately, without reflection.   This is the pure land.  There is so much to be undone, stripped away until the sense of self disappears. Belief and opinion prevent seeing.  Knowing reality comes from being able to see it, nothing else.   Truth must first be allowed to exist independent of what the self requires.  How can this be possible?  First one must ask, "What am I?"  How much of reality is what I require it to be?  It is critical to ask, but not answer.  Let the question shine its own light.

What am I?

Am I Buddhist?

Answers

opinions

Points of view

A self defined reality

Self centered I

Who asks

What am I?

Am I Buddhist?

Buddhism

It is not about belief

Or disbelief

clinging to one,

or the other

Buddhism is about letting go

it’s about seeing

what is there

listening

to what is there

not adding to

not creating more

taking away

with the question

what am I?

revealing self illusion

until the self disappears

Am I Buddhist?

In this dream

This stone gray dream

Nothing touches

Nothing feels

The self is all

Answers

opinions

Points of view

self defined reality

created reality

How can you know

How can stone

Know stone

Self centered

rock

Who asks

What am I?

Am I Buddhist?

Buddhism

It is not about belief

Or disbelief

clinging to one,

or the other

it’s about letting go

it’s about seeing

what is there

listening

to what is there

not adding

only taking away

the self

must first be felt

with the question

cracked

with the question

broken

with the question

turned to rubble

with the question

turned to dust

always with the question

the question with no answer

What am I?